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How I Became a Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM) - 1/2006 Before I quit my job, there were so many things bouncing around in my hormonal head: balance, having-it-all, feminism, power, money, prestige, image, status, stuff, wearing suits to work, equal work for equal pay, letting down the sisterhood, being the little woman, wasted education, what would I do all day?, giving it all up, living on less, brain atrophy, shopping at Wal-Mart, reading Ladies Home Journal, do smart women quit?, isolation, boredom, jealousy and I looked around and saw women I knew who had kids and worked full-time and they seemed perfectly happy. My chiropractor said she didn't know anyone who didn't work at least part-time. People told me I was to smart to be "just a mom." Why should I have to give anything up? Why couldn't I too have it all? I thought about quitting and working from every angle, but the more I thought, the more I was confused. There were to many things to consider. To many unknowns. Then I had a revelation: time. How did I want to live my life? There are only 24 hours in a day. How did I want to spend that time? I had to decide what was important to me and being a lover of lists, I had to write it down:
And then I had to think about what my life would be like if I worked full-time...
And then I asked myself, would I be honoring my priorities by working full-time? Is it possible for me to say that my family was the most important thing, yet spend most of my waking hours apart from them? If having a big house, new cars, living in a prestigious neighborhood, and stroking my ego were on my list, working would support those priorities. But the fact was, the things on my list had nothing to do with money, they had to do with family. It was then my choice became so clear. Now I sit here with a 21 month old daughter and I have absolutely no regrets. I walked away from a job that I loved. That I literally built from the ground up. That really was my first baby. I was a mapping goddess, a super dork, a demographic diva. And even after a six month maternity leave, when I flipped back and forth in my mind a hundred times whether I should work or not, I cried in front of my boss as I finally quit. As I drove away from the office for the last time, the most incredible feeling swept over me as this tremendous weight lifted off me: I have the rest of my life. I was so happy. I had this incredible opportunity to work, learn, make money, spend money, meet an incredible group of people and have a lot of great experiences as well as late nights. Now I begin the next chapter of my life. Now I could totally focus on being the best mom I could be. There would be no juggling, no balance, only the choices I made every day. I have been there to nurse Kathy down for every nap. I have been with her every day to watch the subtle changes in her development. The beginning of each new phase, new word, new gesture, new shoe size. I have been there to watch her transition from crawling at the park, to walking, to running to the highest slide on the playground as my heart jumps. Making oatmeal for breakfast. Waking up to Kathy's voice, not an alarm clock. Afternoons at the park. That is the reason why I chose to become a mom and I get to experience it all, guilt free. The "you can have it all" mentality has not be liberating for women, in fact it has been harmful. It has mislead many women who found that they couldn't have it all and felt like they were failures. It gave us an unrealistic expectation of ourselves. Women of my generation were raised to believe that it was a given that we would work full time, be married, have kids, and be totally happy doing it. I hear the words "balance" or "juggle" a lot, but never anything to imply that women were not doing 100% in terms of their responsibilities at home or at work. But the fact is, you can't build a house and practice opera at the same time. I can't write this and read a story to my daughter. Every moment of the day, we have to make a decision on how we are going to spend that time and any time you decide to do one thing, you are simultaneously deciding NOT to do everything else. I didn't want to go to work and have someone else be a mom to my child as I was being an employee. Ultimately, my greater allegiance is to my daughter. For me, the whole idea of “having it all” means living a more relaxed, peaceful lifestyle. Living below our means, saving, and retiring early. I don't want to be running from work to daycare to the kitchen to here to there to this thing and that thing. I want a simple life. I want a life that when I'm dying, I will be pleased with the choices I made. When faced with a difficult decision, I often think, "What would I be proud to know I did when I'm dying?" Whenever I wonder if I should have quit to not - and it has been something that I thought a lot about - I always reflect back to that and it helps make things clear. While I might regret quitting my job and not pursuing my career, I would definitely mourn missing out on my child's life. Making the Transition to Full-Time Mom 4/22/07 What a topic this is. For me, it came down to two things: 1. Identity crisis (which is discussed at length above) and 2. Finding support. For me, the major thing was figuring out who I was if I wasn't working. So much of my identity was tied up in my job: my title, my cute clothes (not covered in snot, play dough, and sand), all of it. It was hard because even though I wanted to be a SAHM, I did not have very positive images of "mommyhood" in my brain. But, I really got to know myself better. Who was I when I wasn't working? The fact was, when you are working 40+ hours a week and commuting almost two hours a day plus trying to work out since I was in front of a computer all day, there wasn't a lot of time for hobbies. I did like to cook and being a mom, driven by a desire to provide healthy meals, enabled me to have more time to do that... although it took me 5 times as long to complete anything. I also realized that I loved gardening. I also started working out more and enjoyed the energy, strength, and lean body that resulted. And, for the first time since college, by being a SAHM, I made friends. Real friends. Friends who I had common interests and life perspectives which is completely different than the people you go to lunch with at work just because they are nice and it's convenient. Finding support is surprisingly easy. There are a lot of groups out there though so it's just finding them. The internet is an amazing tool. YahooGroups are incredible and through a quick query of some of your hobbies, parenting styles/choices, etc, you will find a ton of groups of mommies who think the same way as you. I personally subscribe to several YahooGroups for attachment parenting (AP), childbirth choice (pro-midwifery and ICAN), AP families who like outdoor activities (camping, hiking, etc), homeschooling groups... I've meet a lot of great people. If you go to Google and type in: mommy support groups you will get a ton of results. Add your city/county/state to your query to narrow your results. If you breastfeed or pump, La Leche League is a great way to connect with like-minded moms. In fact, I recommend going when you are pregnant because, if you are like a lot of moms, you will have some problems breastfeeding and will need some evidence-based information and it's nice to have that connection already lined up. They also have on-line discussion boards which are worth checking out. The Mothering boards is also another great way to find "crunchy" moms in your area. I also highly recommend their magazine. There is nothing else like it for the crunchy mom. Moxie Moms is a national, chapter-based organization which focuses on fitness. I have no personal experience with this group, but I love the idea! MOMS Club is another national, chapter-based organization which focuses on stay-at-home moms. Although I did not have a good experience with them, I know that many women, especially those who do not volunteer for the executive board of their chapter, have had positive experiences and it is a venue for meeting local moms. Especially if you live in a more rural area with not many options, MOMS Club is definitely worth checking out. Like any other group, the quality of your experience will be based on the kind of women who join. Are they genuinely nice people or will they gossip about you the second you leave the room and make fun of the fact that you don't live in a 2700 square foot house? My advice is to limit your interaction with MOMS Club International. However, be forewarned. Due to their strict boundary policy, you may not be able to join a local chapter and rather be asked to start your own which, in my opinion, is a tall order for a new mom struggling with exhaustion, leaking breasts, and hormonal changes. When I was told by my state coordinator that I really should have been asked to start my own chapter, one month post-partum, because I lived outside the boundaries, I thought she had lost her mind. I was struggling so hard with the transition to being a mom that if I had been denied membership because I lived less than a 1/4 mile from the boundaries... I would have gone home and just cried. That is not supporting moms. I've heard great things about Mothers and More although, since they cater to working as well as SAHM moms, I've heard that their meetings are primarily at night, though I suspect that this varies by chapter, so if you are SAHMing, you might need to find more mommies who are home during the day. I highly recommend joining a gym that has a Kids Klub. I love LA Fitness. For $15/month plus my membership fees, I can go to the gym daily with my daughter in the Kids Klub. It keeps my sane, fit and it's my "alone time." I read or listen to music while working out and it really keeps me emotionally and physically on track. If you are interested in childbirth choice, whether than is preventing an initial unnecessary c-section, obtaining evidence-based information on VBAC, or connecting with women to get post c-section support, ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) is an incredibly educated group of women. They do have local chapters as well as an email support group. Check them out. If you are a Christian mom, MOPS is worth checking out - support for mommies with the Jesus twist! I did try out MOPS, but my closest chapter was 25 miles away and in Southern California traffic, that can be a trek! Also, check out your local church for a women's bible group or mommy social group. Finally, if you can't find a group of moms close to you, start your own. I know it sounds scary, but I'll give you the step by step! I did and it's been an incredible success. After less than a year, I have 34 members in my "Group of Mommy Friends." It's been a blast.
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This site was last updated ed 05/01/07
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